Har Dil Jo Pyaar Karega (2000)

“Every heart that loves.” The title refers to the trials that everyone who loves must endure. They are helpfully enumerated in the title song, but of course the movie is really about the trials that occur when people are stuck in ridiculous situations and are often very stupid about it.

This is one of those movies that, objectively, is not that good. I love it anyway. It’s entirely early-2000s cheese, served up with my favorite actors and catchy music. We begin with the introduction of our hero, Raju (Salman Khan) in a song featuring him in skimpier tops and shorter hemlines than the female backup dancers.

It's glorious.

R[edacted] Rajkumar

I still really want to call this Rambo Rajkumar, because R...Rajkumar is a really dumb title and if nothing else, this movie needs a bad-ass title, because it doesn’t really have that much else going for it. But apparently they got in some sort of hot water about using the name Rambo, so Shahid's character became Romeo Rajkumar and the title became. . . that. As far as the movie itself, I’m not sure I was disappointed, since it was a timepass in the very best sense of the word. But, well, I’m not sure it’s worth watching more than once.

The beginning was promising. Shahid Kapoor (as the titular whatever-you-want-to-call-him Rajkumar) beats people up and dances in fantastic Prabhudeva fashion. We first meet Chanda (Sonakshi Sinha) breaking bottles over the heads of some obnoxious men, and Angry Sonakshi channels Madhuri from Beta in a great way. Sadly, we don’t see much more of that, although Indignant Sonakshi (as Rajkumar stalks Chanda) is almost as good.

Love 86 (1986)

Left to right: Leena, Omi, Vicky, and Esha. Now what does that spell?

I will admit that I don’t expect a lot from unsubtitled 80s movies, but this was awfully sweet. I can’t pretend that I understood everything that happened, but the basic plot was standard, and sound effects alerted me if anything dramatic was happening. Leena and Esha (Neelam) are sisters, whose mother, Lakshmi (Tanuja) wants them to get married to rich men with prestigious jobs. She isn’t interested in anything irrelevant like her daughters’ happiness and she’ll stop at nothing to get them to do exactly what she wants. She’s just a wonderful evil bitch, I loved it.

Even her dog doesn't like her!

Phata Poster Nikla SHAHID!

SHAHID! You’re back! Finally! This movie is a beautiful thing for any Shahid Kapoor fan who has been waiting years to see him in anything good*. It’s completely his movie. It’s Sashapalooza. He’s in almost every frame, making faces and emoting and I laughed my pants off.

*Are there any other kinds of Shahid Kapoor fans? The lucky ones who don’t know he did anything besides Jab We Met?

I have no idea why this is getting bad reviews. It was hilarious. There wasn’t a big crowd at the theater, but everyone seemed to be really enjoying it, so it was a lot of fun. I’m still confused by their trend of showing a post-intermission trailer-- I’m not sure if that’s an Eros thing or what, but we got Krrish 3, which was cool on the big screen. At least it wasn’t the horrible mood-killer that the Bajatey Raho trailer was in the middle of Lootera.

Shahid Kapoor plays Vishwas Rao, whose widowed mother Savitri (Padmini Kolhapure) has only one dream: to see her only son become an honest police officer. Vishwas, naturally, has only one dream as well-- he wants to be a film star. Despite this, they are close and their relationship is very sweet. (They have a song!) Padmini has the filmi maa thing DOWN, by the way. She has all the appropriate feelings, all the right dialogues, everything turned up to 11, but she’s still a unique character with backstory and everything. Plus she’s always ready to tuck in her sari and go after thugs when necessary. When you come down to it, their relationship is what drives the film and both Shahid and Padmini are excellent in portraying their slightly silly, but ultimately good characters. Honestly, it’s one of the most enjoyable family dynamics I’ve seen on screen in a while. Savitri has dreams for her son, but really she just wants him to be happy. Vishwas isn’t a mama’s boy, but he’d still do anything for her just because she’s his maa and he loves her. This does mean that the romance track in the movie kind of takes a backseat, but that’s okay. It’s a lot more satisfying to see the hero in emotional turmoil over the plight of the mother instead of the girl who randomly jumped on the back of his scooter at the beginning of movie.

Dulaara, or, that sexy pants guy

Dulaara is why we have Meri Pant Bhi Sexy.

I can’t find a subtitled version on youtube, but the primary lyrics go something like

“I am so irresistible, all the girls love me, etc. etc.,”

“BECAUSE. . . My pants are sexy, my shirt is sexy, my hair is sexy, my walk* is sexy, my handkerchief is sexy toooooo.”

*so far as I can tell, whenever a Hindi song rhapsodizes about the qualities of anyone’s “chal”, they do in fact mean the person’s butt.

Also, you can’t tell from the youtube version, but Govinda’s sexy shirt has little mesh cut-out panels for extra sexy.

Anyway, this song is reason enough to watch the movie. If you haven’t seen it yet, you are MISSING OUT. It’s Govinda-riffic. It’s 90s-tastic. It is spectacular*.

*My roommates, who were alternately horrified and amused by this movie, complained, but since they kept coming back to see more, it’s hard to take them seriously.

Wanted: not even trying to review this

Sometimes, I watch a movie with lots of expectations, and it falls short. Sometimes, I don’t expect anything, and I’m pleasantly surprised. And sometimes, all I want is a movie where there are female characters who exist for reasons besides being constantly threatened with rape. This was not it.

See all the awesome in this picture? It lies. Don't watch this movie. 

Wanted seemed like just the thing. Salman, beating people up! Something flashy that did well at the box office!. The song after the opening fight scene is an energetic, silly dance number, with special appearances from Anil Kapoor, Govinda, and Prabhudeva (who directed).

Wanted is a remake of the Telugu movie Pokiri, which I have absolutely zero interest in seeing now. Salman Khan plays a generic badass-for-hire, who frequently and dramatically beats people up. Ayesha Takia is the love interest, who has her own problems with a creepy-ass policeman stalker. The characters have names, but I don’t remember and I’d rather not watch the movie again to find them out. Ayesha and Salman are pretty adorable together. It’s hilarious to watch her get more pushy and outspoken as she spends more time with Salman’s bad-ass character. It’s just too bad it’s so rapey. Go watch Bodyguard instead. It’s also terrible, but much more watchable and plus Salman loses his shirt to a fire hose.

Also, Ayesha as Madhubala in an appliance store. Honestly, the first 20 minutes are worth it for the fight scene, this meet-cute, and the Jalwa song.

Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani

Style: Fantastic! Substance: Meh.

I mean, it was still completely worth the ticket price. I really enjoyed it. But it ended up being a lot more pedestrian than I had been hoping. I watched Cocktail in April, and I was so impressed by Deepika that I really started looking forward to this movie, but she didn’t have a lot of room to do much. Post-interval it was all Ranbir, Ranbir, Ranbir. He got all the good choreography, all the montage songs, and all the backstory, but it didn't really make me like his character any better.

I don’t want to discount the flashy stuff, though. Most importantly, MADHURI ON THE BIG SCREEN!

I’m not sure why they stuck the song right at the beginning of the movie, or why Farah Khan couldn’t come up with something a little fancier for Madhuri, but that’s not important. This and Balam Pichkari are my runaway favorites, but the entire soundtrack is great, all the dancing is flashy, and all the outfits are glamorous.